I have never been under attack on account of Buddhism since I was only with dhamma friends and kept rather quiet, did not go about lecturing.  And now it has happened.  I would like to share my experiences with the other dhamma friends, since they may have similar experiences, especially when they have returned to their home countries.

In one week there were two lectures and one long TV session.  One of the lectures was for an inter-religion group which claims to want to study different religions. However, they kept on making comparisons, and wanted to make me say the Mahayana is different from Hinayana. They also attacked me for not being a vegetarian.  Some questions you just have to answer straight, even when you know it will not please them.  Cittas now think whether I did enough to think myself into their situation, and make up my answer accordingly.  That is regret.  Cittas decide in split-seconds what to answer.  I thought it is a good type of kusala to lecture, but what a lot of aversion in between.  The time of lecturing I enjoyed, because I did not use one difficult term no nama, rupa, citta, accumulations or conditions.  This is a good idea for a first lecture, I find.  I just spoke about my own experiences in Buddhism, and in what ways I find Buddhism so helpful in my life.  Then came the questioning and that was too difficult for me, I guess, since I am not experienced at all in talking with people who dislike Buddhism and cling to their own beliefs.  If you have time it would help me a lot if you could tell me your experiences in this field.

The lecture in Krimpen was just for the same group with the Indonesian monk, I had talked for before and this was very nice.  Also for them I did not use any difficult term, but spoke about vipaka in our lives they all listened and had some good questions.  (Before I used to talk about Pali terms, and then they closed their eyes, maybe went to sleep.)

Then there was the TV interview.  This is in a teaching program about religions of the world.  Two interviews of ten minutes on TV and then twice twenty minutes on tape which will be printed in a book next spring and sent to those who registered for this course.  I will translate the text into English for my Dhamma friends when it comes out.  Before I knew what happened I had said yes, I want to cooperate and Mr. X came first to see me at home with the producer.  In short:  his way of questioning was such that it was very difficult for me not to have aversion.  I am not used to such situations.  But I also thought of the many listeners and liked to look more towards the eye of the camera than into his eyes.  You never know that might help one or two of the many thousands, and this was my motive from the beginning.  I will make up a list questions now for the Dhamma friends, since I think all of may encounter such questions.

More than ever I realize how our thinking is conditioned.  We have been educated in logical thinking, but it is only one type of thinking, it really does not mean much.  They ask you logical questions and expect an answer which is also logical, but, it is not the way to help the others.  Since everything had to be very, very simple; what to do when you are cornered?  Mr. X said; 'When I meet you next year you are still Mrs. van Gorkom, how can you say that realities change.  People have something stable, their character.'  Imagine, I could not use the word 'accumulations' to answer that question.  I tried to explain carefully that each moment of our life falls away, but that how we were before determines (I did not say 'conditions;' that is too difficult) how we are later on, and can't we experience this.  It was also not possible in the short time of the interview to explain that if each moment changes (and we can know this) that it is a strange, contradictory idea to think that nama can be stored in a little room in the brain.

Mr. X then went on to say that if everything falls away what sense does it make to cultivate wholesomeness, why not enjoy life the most you can.  He also thinks Buddhism makes one a fatalist.  To such questions I could only answer that I believe in the value of wholesomeness, even though each moment falls away (as it will have an impact on what comes later through 'accumulations' and 'conditions').  And, I said, those who do not see the value of wholesomeness do not want to cultivate the Path the Buddha taught.  Mr. X expected a logical answer, but to such questions one cannot give a logical answer.  These questions do not arise when you live Buddhism.  He also talked about doubt.  I explained that you do not doubt what you experience right now, but you may doubt things you do not experience right now, things in the future.  If doubt arises, then you do not doubt about your doubt.  (Of course, there are many degrees of doubt, and though we know that the characteristic of kusala is quite different from the characteristic of akusala, we still doubt when exactly kusala appears, and when akusala, since they arise time and again, shortly one after the other.)  He said that he does not believe it when people say: 'I experience this or that.' This is because psychologists have told him that people can make themselves believe anything, and then they say they have really experienced it.  True, but then the eightfold Path is not about extraordinary experiences which are difficult to believe, but very common experiences like seeing now, hearing now, thinking now.  We all know that we make many mistakes and believe there is direct experience of a reality when it is still thinking, but at least, we learn the difference.  But I could not tell him all that within the limited time.  Afterwards he said that he wonders whether I am not caught in a system and want to believe all that.  He thinks that Buddhism is a system and does not get it (although I told him many times) that the Buddha spoke about realities of daily life, no system you have to believe in.  Finally he said that he finds Buddhism the most impractical belief (because I do not want to kill mosquitoes) and that he never could become a Buddhist.  In order to discuss these points it would be necessary to bring up again the root of the matter,  kusala and akusala accumulations, the value of wholesomeness, so it was not possible to give a simple and direct answer.  There seemed to be no way forward for the conversation.

I later asked Lodewijk's opinion about some of his remarks, because before the interview he had told me not to use any difficult terms and this was good.  Well it caused Lodewijk to do kusala, although he was so tired.  Never before have I heard him speak so beautifully in the most simple words on Buddhism.

It was a good experience (although many moments of aversion, and I was very nervous at the beginning of the session) not to use terms, and how I cling to them, the terms nama and rupa dominate my 'thought-life.'  Since they represent realities they will present themselves anyway, and not by our trying.  It must become evident that some realities are experiences, others not.  Now the word 'experience' may be understood in different ways.  Sarah and I talked about this on the way to Hook of Holland.  We talked about seeing which is the experience of visible object and about awareness which may also experience visible object, but in a way different from seeing, since awareness does not see, but can know, experience the characteristic of visible object.  Someone may say:  I experience seeing.  That may not be awareness of seeing, right awareness of that characteristic of pure nama, different from rupa.  It may just be the noticing of seeing, which is quite something else, not awareness, not the very precise knowledge of the characteristic of seeing when it appears.  Then we learn again:  this is thinking, not awareness, and thinking has a characteristic different from seeing.  That is the way to learn.  I repeated our conversation, because I know that there are easily misunderstandings about experiencing, awareness and 'noticing.'

We talked a lot about daily life, the daily life of lay people.  And how one can exaggerate even good things, like not loosing one moment so as not to miss a Dhamma conversation.  Jenni said that she had had guilty feelings about her artwork, and had to miss opportunities of hearing Dhamma. But who can tell when sati arises, also in the middle of our work?  I like to admit that I enjoyed the make up part of TV very much, but certainly, there was hardness, there was attachment.  I said to the lady who did the make up that you do not have to be a monk in order to develop the eightfold Path, that it is so much daily life that you would not believe it, and even now while talking it can be developed.  I also found that we think we can be aware of aversion, but what a lot of hardness it can condition and there is also the experience of hardness, so, it really is difficult to know exactly which moment is what. It is not discouraging though!
Having come back worn out from TV (Lodewijk was in New York, thus I was all alone), I found a very nice letter from Sue and Don, from Adelaide.  Kusala vipaka.  They had a question about effort, I quote:  'I have aversion at the thought that there is nothing to be done (although there is no self to control or direct the mind).  Some actions are kusala and some akusala and can't it be said, even just at a conventional level, that kusala can be encouraged.  Perhaps I am trying to provide a space for control which cannot in reality exist- or perhaps my sati is just not developed enough to directly perceive my thinking as just thinking....'

This question is also asked by people who think that Buddhism promotes fatalism. And Sue and Don are right that certainly kusala should be encouraged.  The encouragement is most important and is a condition for kusala.  The Buddha stressed very much that the encouragement of kusala kamma is kusala kamma in itself, and that the encouragement of akusala kamma is itself akusala kamma.  Because encouragement is very much a condition, listening to good friends or to bad friends.  That is not the only condition, also how you were in the past:  the kusala or akusala you did before.  All this shows how much kusala or akusala are conditioned realities, they do not fall down out of the sky, just like that.  Can you say that a self is master of something that arises because of its own conditions?  Self plays no part in it; there is no room for self.  It all works without any self.  Kusala intention wants to do kusala, and the next moment akusala intention wants to do akusala; where is the self, is it akusala intention, or is it kusala intention?  Akusala intention does not know anything about kusala intention, they have nothing to do with each other, there is no self who coordinates everything. 

When kusala citta arise, there is right effort with that kusala citta.  You do no sit down and think:  'effort for kusala, effort for kusala.'  It just happens when it is the right time.  The same is true for akusala.  Lila wrote that she finds that she has less dosa now.  But I find that when the object is right for the dosa it arises.  For me it is, for example, Mr. X.  For someone else it happens when he misses the bus.  It all depends on one's accumulations.  As for thinking, in order to know that there is no self, you do not have to think of aggregates in order to know that there is no self.  If you try for a minute to think of one thing, can you?  It changes within split-seconds and that shows: there is no self which is master.

Sue also writes about attachment to the present moment.  But there is not only attachment, also aversion and a lot of moha.  It is the eightfold Path not to try to change any reality, only little by little to know them.  Jenni likes hot food, likes art, and she does not change her likes, but she knows sati can arise now and then and be aware, of hardness, softness, heat not only attachment, because attachment is not the only reality in the world.  We do not try to get rid of attachment, but to know realities as they are.  Sarah, Jenni and I had been talking so much about art, that when my guests had left, I took the watercolors (something I had not done for years) and wanted to check whether there are more akusala cittas arising when painting.  Whatever we do, there are more akusala cittas than kusala cittas; it is a fact.  I painted for Lodewijk (for his birthday) a Buddha image as an illustration of the Girimananda sutta which I typed out for him.  There is attachment to something beautiful even if it is a Buddha statue (check when you are in the temple).  But also: there was dana, there was respect for the Buddha.  Many different moments: many akusala  (the moha you do not notice, but they are there) and some kusala.  So it is when cooking, and no matter what you do.  Jenni said some people have aversion when there is talk about jewels or clothes, they think they should not be an object of conversation.  But it does not matter when you are not a monk.  I find that the eightfold Path works much better when one as a lay person does not try to imitate monks.  Jewels and clothes:  what is seen is visible object, and sure we are attached.  Let us not pretend we are not.  Jenni said she is attached to the idea of marriage and a family.  The Buddha gave very good counsels to married people, and for the family life.  Many opportunities for metta and karuna.

I received in a row, two very nice Dhamma letters, one from Lila, and one from Dr. W.  Dr. W. (I wrote to him about your stay in Kandy) likes the tapes he received of Khun Sujin and others.  I will now go into my response to his letter:  You say that since you have accumulated the way of meditation you used to do, you go into it automatically now and then.  I think it is eightfold Path to use anything, like I use cooking and ironing:  I mean, sati can arise any time.  When we are inclined to painting or to certain types of meditation we were instructed in before, it is helpful to know that we would not do them if we had not learnt them, that they arise because of their own conditions, not because of a self which has control.  Another matter which may be helpful is to realize that whatever we do, there are bound to be many more akusala cittas than kusala cittas.  For me:  even while listening to Dhamma tapes, there are many more akusala cittas than kusala cittas.  Thus we will recognize better when there is attachment to what we are doing.  You speak about the practice of bare attention and I have heard the term before, and never understood it.  Which cetasika?  Why is it so bare?

Jenni will see you, but much later, since she is going to Indonesia first.  She has with her only the tapes made at my home, and I am afraid, though they are fun for ourselves we talk too often at the same time and it might not be clear for others to listen to.  Jenni lives in Adelaide.  She will hand you my Letters from the Hague.  You are right; nibbana is also anatta.  So long as we have not experienced nibbana, nibbana is only a word to us.

Lila's Letter:  she wrote that she was very interested in what Jill had said about 'defilements arising even when one's physical environment is pleasant and few people....'  she had to give up her place in the woods and is now going to travel again throughout the world, maybe even to Europe.  I want to tell her:  the abbot from Denver could maybe get a copy of Abhidhamma in Daily Life  in Thailand when he goes there, because I have given away every book except a lending out copy and all my talks are finished now, given away, the cupboard is empty.  I like what you said about talking Dhamma to others:  they listen if you keep it short.  "But perhaps just a word here and there will ring familiar old tunes stared many lifetimes ago and some day perhaps a book or a contact will be there for that relative and friend and the interest will start to grow more, and then he'll be on the path."  I though of this many times those days with my lectures and Mr. X.  Then it seems less hopeless.  Maybe next life they will listen again and who knows?  It is never wasted.  I found it a touching story about your father.  You read to him from Rahula's book (and it is simple book in simple language) when he was so sick and said:  "I knew it already, I've known it many times before."  I also like anthologies of other people's letters, and how a letter of someone else can help you when you need it, I find.

Khun Ursula's letter:   she wrote to me in German about Khun Sujin's last lecture, stressing that the eightfold Path is not so difficult, but that people make it so difficult because of their lack of understanding of it.  She, Khun Ursula, gives us such a good reminder of tasting (and often it tastes so good and we are not aware):  she was eating ice cream with friends:  "We tasted and tasting-consciousness experienced taste: Dtangmo (watermelon), papaya, carrots, banana etc. taste appeared later.  Also coldness appeared and then there was no I in coldness nor in body-consciousness which experienced coldness...."

Venerable Phra Dhammadaro, this letter was a letter for many friends, There was 'animal talk,' but with the aim to show that lay-people can use it as object of awareness. 
 

Nina